Why I Hate the Idea of Divorce-Proofing Marriage
By Aaron | 2.26.2020
I kind of hate the concept of a divorce-proof marriage. It’s a popular way to pitch a book or article on marriage, but the longer I’m married the more it drives me a little batty.
To be clear, I like and agree with a lot of the pieces of advice that are sold as divorce-proofing marriage, and I’m sure that many times my issue is with the headline rather than the content.
BUT.
My problem is that a phrase like divorce-proof gives a false impression about how marriage (and life in general) works. Think of it this way. If you buy a bottle of medicine that is tamper-proof, that means that something was done at the factory (in the past) to prevent tampering (in the present and future). If someone is wearing a bullet-proof vest, it means the vest was made in such a way (in the past) so that when it is worn (present and future) it will protect the wearer. This is all well and good for inanimate objects, but it is most definitely not how human beings and relationships work.
Marriage is an imperfect union because it is the union of two imperfect people. (The encouraging part comes later, stay with me.) One of the hallmarks of humanity is that we humans are constantly growing, changing, and adapting. This has pros and cons. One of the downsides of this is that our past has a limited ability to affect our present and future. Here’s what I mean. You may get the best workout of your life in on Monday, but if Tuesday is cheeseburger and pecan pie day, the benefits of the workout are short lived. You may commit yourself to learning a new language on Friday, but if you don’t spend any time on it over the weekend, what you learned is already beginning to fade by Monday. A Bible read on Sunday loses its effectiveness in your life if it then gathers dust the rest of the week. Our lives happen one moment at a time and the truth is that who and what we are in the present primarily comes down to an accumulation of the decisions we have made in the past, and the ones we are making in the present. Sure, our past decisions matter, but a past commitment doesn’t necessarily carry over into the present, and it sure isn’t guaranteed to be there in the future.
The reason I’ve come to loathe the concept of divorce-proofing a marriage is that your marital commitment from last week doesn’t matter if it isn’t also your marital commitment from this week. If you determine to love, honor, and cherish your spouse at the altar, then great, but successful marriages are ones where that vow is renewed daily.
This can be a challenge because, again, people are constantly changing. The person you said “I do” to will not exist in ten years, in 5 years, or even the day after the wedding. Marriage is a daily recommitment to one another, some days this commitment is super easy, and some days it isn’t.
A marriage can’t be divorce-proofed ahead of time because the choice to grow together or to drift apart is made every single day. Today’s commitment can be undermined by tomorrow’s choices so fast that it’s as if it never happened.
You can’t divorce-proof your marriage, it just isn’t that easy. You get up every day, look at the person who is your other half, and together you commit through God’s power to work through whatever comes your way.
Every day.
One day at a time.